Home waxing, a big danger!!

NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with the promises of easy, painless hair removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax. 
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, watch something on tv.

Just before my man gets home and while dinner is on, I  had the ingenious idea that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "I shall try out this waxing at home thing and surprise my beloved with a smooth cookie". So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

With recent price escalations, I have been delaying the salon for weeks and thought to try to find ways to save few pennies there and there...right?
 
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together as indicated on the packaging, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it instead. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin Extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. I feel ready for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet...

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my "hoo-ha" and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply, hold tight and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! My head is spinning and my bottom area in fire!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

OH CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious.... I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch....I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... Remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. My Hoo-ha is sealed shut and I can barely imagine what my man would say if if walked in on me just now!! I am sealed shut! 
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop....my head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! Of course this is a well known scientific fact, and I even wonder why it is not written on the instructions in case of emergency??
I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does NOT melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! 
I just don't know what to do!!! All kind of images are running through my crazy mind: Maybe my man is gonna walk in and find me stuck and save me - not save me from the embarrassment for sure, but maybe he will know what to do, right? Then realised that men wouldn't have a clue!
I looked around and see my cell phone on the sink! Yeay! "Call a friend?" I think. I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's definitely a very good conversation starter.

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She retains the giggle, try to remain focused. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. Why don't they just print instructions on these bloody boxes??

While we go through various options, I resort to cut the was off with scissors. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then try to pull it off enough so you can reach with a pair of home scissors! Needless to say, this was a painful, deceiving attempt !! By now the brain is not working, my body is on shock and my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably alerted the entire neighborhood and beyond! It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. I can't think of anything else but having to be taken to the emergency room with no panties and half my bathtub stuck to my behind! This needs to work! And.....

'IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???

To avoid these sort of experiences, I STROOONGLY suggest seeking a professional! 
Try Wow! Ways of Wellness on Park road in Gardens for an organic wax, 
Raydiance skin by the Mount Nelson Hotel and Sorbet in Gardens center and around Cape Town