A woman's trick to save a relationship

So today a FB friend, who happens to be my BF friend posted on his FB status:

"I want someone who says I love you every night,and proves it every day"

Of course, my response to him at first was that he needed to stop reading Disney stories and get on with reality! Was I being cynical or just realistic???

Many of us have had up and downs within our relationships, we might have all taken advise from our dear friend Disney back in the days (not past the age of 10 when we realised that the tooth fairy, Santa, nor prince charming ever existed - apart of Santa who actually did!!)? or taken advise from Carrie, Sex and the City girl or our friends or family members (note that the single ones are usually the first to give out good advise, yet they are the ones still single!!??)... But lately, I have been thinking about what is the real problem in relationships... and I actually came up to this : US, THE WOMEN!!

Trouble in Paradise! SOS!

One morning, after ignoring the alarm ringing for what felt like hours in my ears, my most handsome not jumping out of bed to get ready, ended up running around like a crazy person between the kettle, the shower and his cell phone. while I was busy trying to update my FB profile and tweeting about how beautiful day this was, he interrupts me:

- Baby!!? Would you mind doing me a favor?

- Of course my love, I respond immediately

- would you mind ironing my work shirt for me please?

I stop breathing!

I look up to find my handsome standing naked in front of the bed which I am comfortably lying on, holding in his hand a wrinkled white shirt! I quickly regain my senses and realise in despair, that our relationship is indeed in Trouble!

- Excuse me?

- Please baby, I am running so late

Indeed, he is running late, and in fact, his shirt looks like it just came out the shredder, been stamped on by a herd of elephant and chewed by a baboon...but I simply CANNOT iron his shirt!!!

If I iron his shirt today, exceptionally because he is running late, next week, it will turn into "have you ironed my shirt?", next month "Where are my ironed shirts" and next year "Damn woman, You have not yet ironed my shirts!"

In rescue to my relationship I bounce back:

- Why don't you rather come closer for a treat?

- What?

- ....

- Baby I am late, I need a shirt, could you please do it while I finish getting ready?

- Are you implying that my time is less valuable than yours?

- I am not implying anything, I am late and you are not doing anything!

- I AM NOT, not doing ANYTHING!!!

- ....

- Why don't you just wear your shirt like it is, it is really not that bad and it gives it a edgy kind of look!! I am sure you can start a new trend today..

- You are a pain

- Why don't you have your shirts ironed at the dry cleaner?

- All my shirt are at the dry cleaner, ready to be picked up but I did not get a chance to do so last night, so PLEASE, ONCE IN YOUR LIFETIME, will you please IRON a shirt for me?

- Sorry baby, I cannot, else our relationship will suffer 

- OK, in this case, would you then please go pick up my ironed shirt from the dry cleaner, across the road, they are open already.

Indeed, the dry cleaner is across the road, I don't have anything better to do, and his shirt is very wrinkled... but again, I CANNOT go get his shirts for him... if I do now, as a favour, next week, it will be "Won't you please stop by the dry cleaner on your way home", next month "Have you dropped my shirts at the dry cleaner?" and next year "Damn, you still haven't picked my shirts from the dry cleaner???!!" - RELATIONSHIP DISASTER!

To save my couple, I need to bounce back again!

- Do you think I am pretty? I am sure these are new wrinkles around my eyes...

- Babyyyy

- Why don't you come back to bed for a short while... huh ?(with my most sexy voice..)

- BABYYYY I AM LATE

- You don't want me anymore? You don't find me attractive??

-  ..... (while still frantically running around the house semi naked)

- You seeing someone else? There is someone else huh? Oh I see, this is why you want a clean ironed shirt huh? so you can flirt with that slut at the office huh?

- What?

- I cant believe it, I trust you and all ,while you spend your day flirting with those bitches at the office with your nicely ironed shirts!!! UN.be.LIE.va.ble!!!

- You are crazy..

- Oh you deny it???That just means that you are lying!!! admit it!!!

- Ok , how about we forget about the shirts then, and I will just go to work huh?

- Ok then, hush hush, hurry up, you are going to be late baby..

And there we go, not convoluted, simple and healthy : COUPLE SAVED!

Threesome. Awesome or gruesome?

So if I say "Savages", what comes to your mind first?

- Hmmm.... animals, island, tribes...?

- Ok, I give you a clue : two men and a woman

-  a bigger flat to share?

- oh come on now, two men, a woman and ...SEX!

- what?

- Yes!!
- ooooooooohhh
- see, so you also thought about threesome, huh? First thing that comes to your mind (or nearly first thing)!! Ok, I ma not going to spoil the movie so just go and see it for yourself.. All that to get to chat about Threesomes, even though, it is not entirely related to the movie (no no, I won't say more, go see it!!), it seems to be a hunting subject for me this week. I also watched an episode of "New Girl" where they are largely implying the Threesome scene too... so here goes!

SO WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT...?

 The Menage à trois, many ways to look at it but what tickle my fancy is the love triangle, the messy and evil one where it's not AB+C, nor A+B+C but rather A+BC...see where I am going with this...

Ok, lets look at it in a analytical kinda way ....

Most of the time, we assume that a 3some is made of a couple here AB and a third person, C (AB+C) or even 3 independent peeps, giving us A+B+C..

You still follow...?

The problem come when while in full action, the couple AB disengage emotionally and physically and B(or A) get closer to C, leaving A(orB) rather on the floor left out or when A, B or C is entirely left out of the game.

Following? or do I have to draw this out for you??!!! Let's rather not, and my artistic abilities are somewhat very limited to stick men, so wont work anyway.. 

The threesome concept is interesting as long as the act is desired and not forced upon and none of the participant feels left out. The typical situation would be of a couple looking to spice up their sex life by adding a third member to their plain salad mix.

THE CASTING

In Most cases, if your BF suggest the threesome, it will most certainly mean that HE will want to include a second female. In 75% of cases, you will respond "what do you mean? am I not enough for you?" Before turning around, with an outraged look and a melodramatic exit! Not that you are really upset, but for your the image of a threesome includes 2 hunk and you. But as your BF in turn outraged at the idea of crossing sticks with another male, you end up giving in to his demands. Not helping but wondering how on earth, this man of yours, will be able to satisfy not one but two women at once and already seeing yourself apologizing to the third member for your BF being too greedy and not be able to finish his plate!

After many days of sorting and casting, we finally agree on Emmanuelle, the girl from across the road who always seemed to pay some interest in the matter. My BF not able to content his eagerness, I tell myself that he must be super excited to see me naked with another woman .. but remind him that we are doing this as a couple, that WE are the key players and that we must remain AB and that C is just an accessory.. of course the AB equations just confused him some more so I showed him my tits instead.

THE INTRO

Finally the day has come and Emmanuelle arrives at the agreed time.

Needless to say that everyone feels a bit awkward, small moment of embarrassment; she tells us farfetched stories and I need to remind BF to stop pouring her any more wine as she is clearly already tipsy enough.

The atmosphere is tense, we are all a bit stuck and unable to cope with the pressure, so I throw my shoes off and throw myself on BF. Once the initial sexual contact began, the rest the followed naturally, dropping clothes, clumsy attempts to reach the bedroom without too many bruises, carried away by the excitement of our caresses and kisses.. although BF hands are way softer than those of E.

NOTHING MORE THAN JUST AN INTRO

Things are not going to badly, apart of couple of kicks in my face, I just would like to mention that a 69 when you are 3, quickly turns into a 666.

So after some polite discussion, we decided that I will be the first one to enjoy my BF virility..

Well, only that he doesn't seem too into it, a bit of a flop. The interest of a threesome is that when one of the 3 fails, you can always fall back on the other.. as this doggie style is boring to death, I decide to give E (also known as Emmanuelle) a turn at it. Change position, rotation - Call it what you like - I find myself at the bottom of the field playing the defender rather than the attacker, looking forward to see E's disappointed face when she takes a turn..But instead, I hear her moan... Thinking the obvious of simulation, ready to pull the "Yellow card", getting closer to observe the "game out" only to realize that he is full on ON!

A MOMENT OF LONELINESS

Ok, so I am sulking..

Have you ever sulked in the middle of a threesome? well, no one notices at all..

So offended by this sudden erection, I decide to push E a bit so to enjoy some of this renewed energy spur and proof to E that it is completely irrelevant of the partner. But this Bitch is latched on my BF and between two thrusts my love decide to say: 

- Baby, do you know what would be super exciting?

- No, but intrigued I ask

- You are going to do exactly as I tell you huh honey?

I must say, I am totally turned on by this following his order thing so I agree excitedly. I am back in the game Babe!!!

BACK IN THE GAME

So while honoring E's needs, he throws orders at me, and I oblige, one by one

-  Get up now and get back one step, yes, another step

- hahaha but I will end up in the hall, my crazy love

- You ought to obey, you don't want to disappoint me my love? 

- Oh noooo, carry on

- so carry on walking backwards, now grab the handle of the door, turn it, carry on backwards, slowly love, open the door, hold on the handle 

- But I am going to lock myself out, baby?

- Yes yes carry on

- Baby....

So I end up totally naked in the hallway, screaming

- So what do I do now? BABY???

- count to a 1000 and we will come out!

So I counted up to a 1000, aloud, naked, while in the room, plenty of sounds, cried, moans of "Oh Yes! harder..." then when I reached 800, the sounds stopped. By the time I reached 942, the bedroom door opened. At 1000, they came out of my apartment, fully dressed, hand in hand.

* inspired by Bouillon de Luxure